by Azerbaijan is not Saint Tropez, as you already know. But that doesn’t seem to be stopping the super-rich, who are arguably too stupid and too generous – frantically packing their silly Louis Vuitton bags and donating absurd amounts of Azerbaijani to them. manat for a lounger at Baku’s new outpost on Nikki Beach.
For those unfamiliar with the Nikki Beach “brand”, it is a chain of upmarket beach clubs. (How upmarket? Well, a salad – sorry, the menu calls it a “Sexy Salad” – costs £36.) Her global empire is best served as a catwalking supermodel, with poles out in everywhere from Miami Beach to Koh to beaches (via, obvs dear , Saint Tropez itself). Now, however, he’s taking his brand of muslin-draped daybeds and overpriced lettuce leaves to destinations as diverse (ie. desperate) as Muscat, Magaluf and indeed Baku.
Which is fine, because the oligarchs will no doubt enjoy rousing the youths and pouring their £340 bottles of rosé in Azerbaijan (neatly wedged between Russia and Iran) – but it’s another worrying reminder it’s how the one percent is slowly taking over the world. beaches and turn them into taste free zones. True, it may be another year or two before we see Nikki Beach at Tenby or Great Yarmouth, but keep your eyes peeled for imported tiger prawns to promote the idiot rich. Here, to help (“We will fight them on the beach clubs…” and all that), there are some early warning signs – 15 ways that the super rich are already ruining the beach.
1. ‘Yachts’
We wouldn’t mind if they really were was yacht – nice Swallows and Amazons a sort of thing sticking out in the bay. But no, today the word refers to things like a floating skyscraper in Dubai that blocks the sun for half the people on the beach.
2. Beach Butlers
No, I don’t want my sunglasses polished, thank you. I want to wear them.
3. Influence trying to make you quit their shot
Can we really blame the rich? Why, sure we can. Where entitled morons rich lead, entitled would-rich morons follow.
4. ‘Small plates’
“So our menu is based on a sharing concept, Madam, where we encourage you not to order one main course but seven or eight small plates between the two of you. What is that? Oh no, you’d think, no sir, but actually the price of each small plate is almost exactly what you’d pay for a main course ha ha…”
5. Loafers
Make the men’s legs like pasties. Still, at least they aren’t…
6. High heels
In sand? Are you kidding?
7. Six star hotels
Do you really need an underwater nightclub, an infinity pool suspended in mid-air and a two-star chef to “supervise” (ie go up twice a year) the restaurant that microwaves your wagyu burgers? Fine, but the helicopter? Come out it.
8. Raising prices
A 99 flake? Flake 8.99, more like! Thank you, the one percent.
9. Boys’ toys
Hoverboards, hydrofoils, miniatures, jet skis and, of course, drones to see yourself falling from all of the above.
10. private islands
How did they manage to find an island that the British Empire didn’t find in the first place? And why are we not invading?
11. Food
Ceviche, poke, edamame … not so meals, they are side dishes! (Place them next to a battered haddock and chips and you’re talking.)
12. Drink
The same but with liquids. We have no problem with the more-money-than-alcohol-tolerance brigade sipping their Aperol and Whisper Angels spritzes and locavore hand-distilled small-batch craft 0% ABV gins – but there’s no room now. the bar fridge for good old-fashioned tins of shandy, pre-mixed margaritas and house-brand rum.
13. Cabin
Now with air conditioning, Wi-Fi and flat screen TVs. Would you be… perhaps happier back in your hotel room?
14. Dawn yoga
Get out of the way, will you? I’m trying to get my towel down on a sunbed here.
15. And the actual beach clubs
It’s not just Nikki Beach, you know. Now every beer-hopping joint within half a mile of some sewage-strewn stretch of sand is trying to get in on the action: throwing velvet rope around their cozy rooms, hiring a ‘DJ’ to push play on their laptop and nod for the next four hours, then charge you to go in, rent something to sit on, eat, drink, and then, finally, nothing, because you failed the make a “mandatory minimum spend” so that you have them covered. bill up to that €300 anyway. And all this to be on a beach identical to the one five feet on the other side of the rope (in, if you’re lucky, Azerbaijan.)
