How the super rich ruined the beach

Azerbaijan is not Saint Tropez, as you already know. But that doesn’t seem to be stopping the super-rich, who are arguably too stupid and too generous – frantically packing their silly Louis Vuitton bags and donating absurd amounts of Azerbaijani to them. manat for a lounger at Baku’s new outpost on Nikki Beach.

For those unfamiliar with the Nikki Beach “brand”, it is a chain of upmarket beach clubs. (How upmarket? Well, a salad – sorry, the menu calls it a “Sexy Salad” – costs £36.) Her global empire is best served as a catwalking supermodel, with poles out in everywhere from Miami Beach to Koh to beaches (via, obvs dear , Saint Tropez itself). Now, however, he’s taking his brand of muslin-draped daybeds and overpriced lettuce leaves to destinations as diverse (ie. desperate) as Muscat, Magaluf and indeed Baku.

Which is fine, because the oligarchs will no doubt enjoy rousing the youths and pouring their £340 bottles of rosé in Azerbaijan (neatly wedged between Russia and Iran) – but it’s another worrying reminder it’s how the one percent is slowly taking over the world. beaches and turn them into taste free zones. True, it may be another year or two before we see Nikki Beach at Tenby or Great Yarmouth, but keep your eyes peeled for imported tiger prawns to promote the idiot rich. Here, to help (“We will fight them on the beach clubs…” and all that), there are some early warning signs – 15 ways that the super rich are already ruining the beach.

1. ‘Yachts’

We wouldn’t mind if they really were was yacht – nice Swallows and Amazons a sort of thing sticking out in the bay. But no, today the word refers to things like a floating skyscraper in Dubai that blocks the sun for half the people on the beach.

Aerial view of a luxury yacht on the blue sea on a sunny summer day

A modern yacht often looks like a floating sky yacht,’ says Grenby – Getty Images

2. Beach Butlers

No, I don’t want my sunglasses polished, thank you. I want to wear them.

3. Influence trying to make you quit their shot

Can we really blame the rich? Why, sure we can. Where entitled morons rich lead, entitled would-rich morons follow.

Photo of a smiling young woman taking selfies in a beach barPhoto of a smiling young woman taking selfies in a beach bar

Influencers are a common sight on the world’s most popular beaches – Getty Images

4. ‘Small plates’

“So our menu is based on a sharing concept, Madam, where we encourage you not to order one main course but seven or eight small plates between the two of you. What is that? Oh no, you’d think, no sir, but actually the price of each small plate is almost exactly what you’d pay for a main course ha ha…”

Close up of a woman's hand squeezing lemon juice on the mussels surrounded by small platesClose up of a woman's hand squeezing lemon juice on the mussels surrounded by small plates

Small plates don’t always equal small price – Getty Images

5. Loafers

Make the men’s legs like pasties. Still, at least they aren’t…

6. High heels

In sand? Are you kidding?

7. Six star hotels

Do you really need an underwater nightclub, an infinity pool suspended in mid-air and a two-star chef to “supervise” (ie go up twice a year) the restaurant that microwaves your wagyu burgers? Fine, but the helicopter? Come out it.

A helicopter lands on a helipad on a tropical islandA helicopter lands on a helipad on a tropical island

Hotels with helicopters are a hallmark of the super-rich – Getty Images

8. Raising prices

A 99 flake? Flake 8.99, more like! Thank you, the one percent.

9. Boys’ toys

Hoverboards, hydrofoils, miniatures, jet skis and, of course, drones to see yourself falling from all of the above.

10. private islands

How did they manage to find an island that the British Empire didn’t find in the first place? And why are we not invading?

Aerial drone view of an adult couple eating dinner on a private island's sandy beachAerial drone view of an adult couple eating dinner on a private island's sandy beach

Not content with a private beach, the super-rich claim an entire island to themselves – Getty Images

11. Food

Ceviche, poke, edamame … not so meals, they are side dishes! (Place them next to a battered haddock and chips and you’re talking.)

12. Drink

The same but with liquids. We have no problem with the more-money-than-alcohol-tolerance brigade sipping their Aperol and Whisper Angels spritzes and locavore hand-distilled small-batch craft 0% ABV gins – but there’s no room now. the bar fridge for good old-fashioned tins of shandy, pre-mixed margaritas and house-brand rum.

13. Cabin

Now with air conditioning, Wi-Fi and flat screen TVs. Would you be… perhaps happier back in your hotel room?

Woman relaxing in a cabana on a tropical beachWoman relaxing in a cabana on a tropical beach

For the rich, renting a cabana is an essential part of the beach experience – Getty Images

14. Dawn yoga

Get out of the way, will you? I’m trying to get my towel down on a sunbed here.

15. And the actual beach clubs

It’s not just Nikki Beach, you know. Now every beer-hopping joint within half a mile of some sewage-strewn stretch of sand is trying to get in on the action: throwing velvet rope around their cozy rooms, hiring a ‘DJ’ to push play on their laptop and nod for the next four hours, then charge you to go in, rent something to sit on, eat, drink, and then, finally, nothing, because you failed the make a “mandatory minimum spend” so that you have them covered. bill up to that €300 anyway. And all this to be on a beach identical to the one five feet on the other side of the rope (in, if you’re lucky, Azerbaijan.)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *