by It’s the kind of news that would make you choke on your oat milk latte, builder’s tea, wholesome sausage rolls and/or the best deli-cut Parma ham (delete according to personal preferences): when you’re traveling, some don’t really want to for us to be seen as British.
Specifically, almost a third of us who come from this sceptred island – or 29 percent, which is pretty close – like to avoid our fellow countrymen and women when we go on vacation.
How do we know? This is one of the results of a recent study of our travel habits according to the Babbel language learning platform. And there is more. According to the survey, as many as seven percent of us pretend to be a different nationality altogether should we meet another group of welsh while relaxing at our destination.
This got the Telegraph Travel team thinking (admittedly a dangerous situation, but that’s what it’s about). Polling statistics sometimes refer to the “silent majority” – a particularly relevant phrase, given that we are “enjoying” election season. So could those numbers be even bigger? Could it really be that 87 per cent of us would rather stick forks in our feet than share an Italian restaurant with a group of Devonians, Brummies or Liverpudlians? Could one in three of us claim to be Slovenian, North Macedonian or Silesian, rather than admitting a home address in Carlisle or Canterbury?
There’s only one way to find out – a completely unscientific and totally facetious multiple choice quiz. There are no wrong answers, no prizes, and no points.
But it will fill a few minutes before the start of another Euro football game. So let’s begin.
An easy one to start. Which of these is your favorite for the summer holidays?
A: The Costa del Sol. Good weather, friendly people, and everyone speaks English. What don’t you like?
B: Tuscany. Good weather, friendly people, and nobody speaks English. Well, apart from all the English in the villas in the hills. Ooh, look, is that Jeremy and Samantha? Cui…
Q: Well, last year we went to the grasslands of western Paraguay. The Chamacoco are very beautiful people, and so hospitable. But, best of all, you don’t meet any horrible Brits.
You have decided to go to the Greek island for your summer vacation. Which one of them?
A: Rhodes. We are getting the beers in Faliraki. Your round, isn’t it?
B: Crete. Excellent flight connections from the UK and some beautiful properties – but, you know, it’s such a big island, and there’s so much space. No, we didn’t go to Malia. But we’ve heard that it’s probably okay, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Q: We refused to go to the Greek island ever since that terrible incident with the donkey on Santorini. If necessary, we will book a shepherd’s cottage on the Pelion.
Oh dear. You have landed at an airport in a major European destination. And would you watch that? There is a big old queue for visitors from Britain, while everyone else strolls through the electronic gates. Are you…
A: Try and use the e-gates anyway. You don’t see why you should have to queue.
B: Stand stoically in line for the next 30 minutes, sighing at times. That’s the way it is, and we’ll just have to wait – although it was a bit rude for the entire border staff to go for lunch en masse, just as our flight arrived. Did they turn off the aircon?
Q: Put on your loudest voice and say: “Well this didn’t happen before Brexit, but I think you all You knew what you were voting for.” Repeat this every two minutes.
You walk past a restaurant by the beach, where a table of British tourists is holding court on the front terrace. Are you…
A: Launch into a quick chorus of “Southgate you’re the one”, pull your shirt over your head, and walk in the door temporarily blinded. great bantz.
B: Go in anyway, but ask for a table inside, and towards the back.
Q: Make a quick phone call to the gendarmesand tell them to come tout series.
You are already in the restaurant when a large group of British diners enter. Are you…
A: Ask the waiter to seat the newcomers next to you. The strangers you haven’t met yet are friends, and besides, you want to discuss football. Can you really believe that after all the rumours, United didn’t sack Ten Hag?
B: Roll your eyes at the waiter, and change your steak order from “medium rare” to “still breathing”.
Q: Leave.
Uh-oh. That large British group has ordered a third bottle of wine. Are you…
A: Push the tables together. You have a feeling, as the Black Eyed Peas put it so clearly, that tonight is going to be a good night; that tonight will be a good night.
B: Put on an Inspector Clouseau accent, switch to your best French, and order your dessert with extra hand gestures. Do not mind that the server answers you in English. He gets it. He knows you’re a chic Europhile. He will give you the digestifs sur la maison.
Q: Spend the next hour openly gloating at the table in question, making louder comments about how “some people passes should not be allowed” – and your wife visibly shrinks into her seat.
Which of the following makes you NOT want to go on holiday to Spain?
A: The anti-tourism protests in Tenerife and Mallorca. Nicely. We will not go where we are not wanted.
B: The temperatures. Sorry, it’s just too hot these days. As soon as it gets above 20C, Geoffrey starts coming out in hives. You don’t want to see Geoffrey with hives.
Q: All the tourists from Britain. Seriously, they are everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. They have even found Valencia. We thought we were safe in Valencia.
You meet an American couple in Rome. For some reason, they misjudge your accent, and assume you’re Australian. Are you…
A: Rise: “Listen, my friend. I was born in Birmingham, I live in Birmingham, and I will die in Birmingham. No, not Birmingham Alabama. The real one. Up the Villa.”
B: Spend the rest of the day pretending you’re from Sydney. Correcting people can be very horrible. If you were going to say something, my dear, you should have said it an hour ago.
Q: Yell: “Australia? How dare you!” – before walking out of the Colosseum in his cross.
It is very hot on the shores of the Mediterranean at the moment. You are going to stay on British soil instead. Which of the following are you choosing?
A: Somewhere on the Lincolnshire or Norfolk coasts, perhaps. Seriously, we have beautiful beaches and coastlines in this country, and we should be more proud of what these places have to offer.
B: The Scottish Highlands. So beautiful in the summer, if you don’t eat midges, and the scenery is so dramatic you could be in New Zealand.
Q: I am not – and, I repeat, not – taking a holiday in this country. Too expensive, too crowded, and we all know about the state of the beaches.
Where do you go skiing?
A: That stupid sport where a load of Norwegians in shell suits go down a mountain on pieces of metal? Okay, whatever, carbon fiber. I do not care. Not for me.
B: The French Alps. It’s a home from home, and the snow is generally great, as long as you’re high enough up the mountain.
Q: Aspen. We love Colorado in the winter. The flight time and cost involved generally means you don’t get hit [whispered] you know who…
You are going rogue, and picking somewhere unusual for your next trip. Where?
A: Crewe
B: Bratislava, Split, or maybe Warsaw. Somewhere in old eastern Europe, anyway. Interesting. It’s great to visit new places, but we don’t like to fly too far.
Q: Solomon Islands. You know why.
It’s time to fly home. But, what is this? Ah, the British hen party is booked for your flight, and yes loving the pinot grigio. What do you do?
A: I wish the Brother all the best while you are on board. Happy day of your life.
B: Find the eye mask and ear plugs as soon as you are in your seat. Surely the warden is not going to continue serving them?
Q: Rearrange your flight. Don’t get on this plane anyway. He will be making an emergency landing in Bordeaux because unimaginable shenanigans.
