Top 10 Things You Can Do in a Parenting Group Chat

If you have a school-age child, you’ve probably been added to several parent group discussions — for their class at school as well as soccer, gymnastics or whatever activities your child participates in.

On the one hand, group chat can be extremely useful for getting time-sensitive information, such as game location or confirmation that tomorrow is pajama day. At its best, it can be a space for parents helping parents.

But every technological advance has its drawbacks. There are conversations that go off track, complaints, abuses of “answer all,” pettiness and negativity, as well as the time pressure of the entire effort.

Sometimes something sarcastic happens. When I mentioned that I was working on this story, a colleague told me that he heard about an X rate message that was accidentally sent in a parent group chat – and quickly deleted!

There is also the potential for public embarrassment on a large scale. Megann, a mom in Los Angeles, told HuffPost that another mom accidentally hit “send” on a voice memo during a large group chat she’s in where she could be heard repeatedly asking her husband: “Did you betrayed him? … Oh, God, did you just cheat?”

But more common is the experience of another colleague of mine, who told me that one day when she got off her phone for a half-hour meeting she returned to find she had missed 154 texts – a number that is even more impressive when you learn that there were only 17 people in the conversation.

There is a line between being helpful and being too much. Some conversations cross it clearly, while others approach it – you might be surprised how rude it would be to remove yourself from the group.

However, there are many ways to make a faux pas in a group chat. HuffPost spoke with Jackie Vernon-Thompson, founder of From the Inside-Out School of Etiquette in Florida, about the behaviors to avoid.

“When parents are in a group chat, for a specific purpose, it’s critical to stay focused on that mission or purpose when commenting or posting,” Vernon-Thompson said. It’s usually when a parent looks off-topic that “conversation goes away,” she said.

Here are some of the more common “don’ts” Vernon-Thompson sees in group chats:

1. Talking about your own child’s abilities. Vernon-Thompson said this could quickly turn negative. It is also a great thing to compare your child with another person in the group.

2. Engaging in any negative talk, such as how you are disappointed in the soccer team or unhappy with the school principal.

3. Taking the space (and time) of the group with a private conversation that should be between you and one other parent.

4. Send messages to someone in the chat privately without asking them first. “They agreed to be in a group, not one-on-one conversations with you,” Vernon-Thompson said. “If you want to talk to a parent, send them a direct message once and ask for permission to have a private conversation with them. If it’s ignored, take it for granted.”

5. Sharing daily affirmations, motivational quotes or videos. While well-intentioned, this can become “worse when that’s not the purpose of the conversation,” Vernon-Thompson said. It also increases the number of extraneous messages that others have to wade through. Likewise, you should refrain from sharing photos of your child that are not relevant to the purpose of the group.

6. Not maintaining a cordial tone, eg using all caps, which often comes across as shouting.

7. Broadcasting publicly, for the entire conversation, any conflicts with other members or the administrator. These should be handled privately, Vernon-Thompson said.

8. Asking questions about information that has already been covered, or that you could easily look up online. This often leads to other people getting the information, which is getting worse. Look back at the conversation before asking a question to make sure it hasn’t already been addressed.

9. Putting another parent on your own. Leave that to the admin, and let them know there is someone you think should be added when the situation is there.

10. Always complaining or arguing.

If you have a problem with someone in the conversation, the worst thing you can do is hash out the conflict to the rest of the group. Instead, contact the person privately. Vernon-Thompson suggested talking on the phone or in person, as what you say via text is more likely to be misinterpreted.

“We often feel like it’s a pass to behave more aggressively when communicating via text,” she said.

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