Warning signs are there for a reason – as some of us find out the hard way. Take the unlucky tourist who stood too close to one of the King’s Guard horses (disregarding the overhead sign) and was run over as a result.
Unfortunately, clueless tourist behavior in London is not limited to Horse Guards Parade. Here’s our guide to what visitors need to know to avoid making silly mistakes:
1. Know when to queue – and when not to
The stereotype says that we Brits love to queue. In reality, the truth is more nuanced. Always queue at a bus stop, but never in a pub, for example.
2. Keep moving whenever possible
London can be big and confusing. But the tendency of some tourists to suddenly freeze to check their phones for directions is irritating, to say the least. Avoid antagonizing the locals – or crashing – by finding a quiet place first.
3. Always protect your phone
On a similar note, be very careful about waving your phone in public. London is plagued by opportunistic phone thieves, who often target tourists. Don’t wear it while walking and be sure to make any phone calls with headphones.
4. Choose your accommodation carefully
Sadly, London has been hit hard by hotel inflation. But don’t fall for a false economy. Staying in zone 4 costs less but there will be travel headaches. Beware of the Bloomsbury hotel cluster that combines royal names with facilities like hostels…
5. Avoid Oxford Street (both ends of it)
Although it may have been at the height of its glamor in the 1960s, Oxford Street has seen better days. When I moved to London in the 2010s, the advice was to avoid the east end. Thanks to the explosion of tacky candy stores, you can now ignore its entire length.
6.Adjust your expectations, service-wise
British enthusiasm for manners doesn’t always mean great service. If you’re approaching staff on the trains, don’t expect more than a casual shrug. And waiters are there to take your order and bring the bill – not to brighten your day.
7. Avoid the tourist trips
A sightseeing cruise on the Thames sounds great. But you can save your money by taking the public transport equivalent, called the Thames Clipper. They may not provide a cracking afternoon tea, but they do have a bar.
8. Watch out for cyclists
Modern London is a cycling city. The vast majority of riders stay off the pavement diligently – so they need to be considered for the roads. Always check before crossing, and especially watch out for cycle routes.
9. Don’t bank on a (good) hotel breakfast
With a few exceptions, breakfast is not a selling point for London hotels. Higher end options will often charge extra and still under-deliver. Save your money for a decent brunch, or do what the locals do and head to Greggs.
10. Ignore anything advertised on a leaflet
In general, nothing decent is advertised in London using billboards. If you are given one, it can be pretty much ignored. Persistent offenders include tourist-trap comedy clubs, low-quality costume sales at Russell Square, and the Church of Scientology.
11. Be smart about theater tickets
The West End is one of the best things about London. But prices can be astronomical and don’t always make sense. Use apps like TodayTix to get better prices, or try Monday nights and midweek mornings, when demand is lower.
12. Don’t bother with travel cards
Instead of buying a travel pass or an Oyster card, simply use your card or phone to get through the tube gates. You will pay the full fare for the first trip, but you will not pay more than a travel card. Unlike many things with London transport, it makes sense.
13. Watch out for objections
For a number of reasons, London is prone to noisy protests from time to time. Although they do not usually pose a danger to tourists, the police will often block roads to control the crowds. Read on and check if anything is planned.
14. Avoid the local ‘wildlife’
There are few silly ideas in Hyde Park than trying to feed the squirrels. Meanwhile, feeding the pigeons in Leicester Square can get you a hefty fine.
15. Apologize (but don’t really mean it)
British manners are extremely ritualistic. If you step out in front of someone, they’ll say “sorry” – but they’ll also expect to hear back. Be ready to smile politely and always apologize. If anyone really bothers you, just shut up – it will hurt more than dressing them down.
16. Stand right on an escalator
Although it may seem obvious, cities of 10 million people do not only work on good fortune. There are careful rules in place and one of them is to block the left side of any staircase. If you decide to break the rule, expect a chorus of tuts.
17. Adjust your expectations after 11pm
Anyone from London knows how difficult it can be to find good hospitality after 11pm. Because of the whole perception that it was a 24-hour city, most places closed very early. If you want a nice place after midnight in the West End, try the Hippodrome Casino.
18. Be smart about bags and luggage
Space is at a premium in London. Although it is inevitable that you will carry your luggage when you arrive, try to avoid trains at peak hours. Many places don’t have cloakrooms either. So don’t go straight from a shopping trip to the theater.
19. Skip the obvious
Most of us can do away with the permanent London itinerary by heart. But there are many amazing spots that most tourists miss. The Middle Temple, for example, is incredible and historic, and only a short walk from St. Paul’s.
20. Avoid football talk
The Premier League is a global product, but most football fans take that seriously. Asking someone, “Who’s your team?” it will only make you look like an outsider (yes, even if you say “football” instead of “soccer”).
21. Choose your flights (and airport) carefully
Thanks to budget airlines, it’s not hard to find a cheap deal when flying to London. But be warned: not all airports are the same when it comes to transport links (hello, Luton). Make sure you do your research and think about where you need to get to.
22. Avoid the Heathrow Express
Once upon a time, the Heathrow Express was the pinnacle of airport travel. Since the arrival of the Elizabeth Line, the appeal of the Express has greatly diminished. If you really can’t go without Wi-Fi and a toilet for 30 minutes, take the Tube.
23. Think twice about fish and chips
American tourists love to try our “national dish”. But few people are aware that, these days, battered cod and newspaper chips are a seaside thing. Offering anywhere in central London is probably a tourist trap.
24. Use a reasonable transportation app
In theory, London is one of the most connected cities in the world. In practice, it doesn’t always work that way. Do yourself a favor and download Citymapper, which will give you up-to-date advice on the best things to do (and, just as importantly, what to avoid).