by No, there is no sewage in your eyes. You read that right. Brighton has the 25th best beach in the world and the best beach in Britain. At least that’s according to the Golden Beach Awards 2024, which has revealed its top 100 list.
Traditionally “best beach” lists focus on the quality of the sand and the clarity of the sea. You may also see reference to wildlife, Blue Flag status and snorkelling credentials. Not the GBA2024s. They say their selection goes “beyond the norm, embracing a richer tapestry of stunning beach”.
To reach their top 100, the judges considered the value of the beach to the local community, DEI (diversity, equality, inclusion – not Opus), “parties and lifestyle” and cultural significance among other criteria. “This broader perspective allowed us to shed light on those beach gems that don’t usually make traditional, one-dimensional ‘best beach’ lists,” they say.
This fresh approach seems to have played to Brighton’s strengths. The town is Britain’s LGBT capital, has cultural history coming out of its ears (see Graham Greene, Fatboy Slim, Abba’s 1974 Eurovision win) and no shortage of party and lifestyle credentials. It’s no surprise that the judging panel – made up of “travel experts and influencers” inspired by the “accuracy of the algorithms” – ranked Brighton so highly.
But, at the risk of sounding one-dimensional, I’m afraid that while enjoying Brighton’s vibey brilliance, the GBA2024 judges may not have made it all the way down to shore: beach to slope, level only down from the A259, where the water is murky, the pebbles are ridged, and the main attraction is the burnt pier.
Before we proceed, some background. My front door is seven miles from Brighton Beach. My son was born at the Royal Sussex County Hospital in Brighton. As a teenager, I grew up visiting the town by train and it’s no coincidence that my partner and I lived so close. It’s a strange, wonderful place. I love it.
But no one moves to East Sussex just for the beaches. With the exception of Camber Sands (which is all but in Kent) and the Witterings (which are almost all in Hampshire), any Sussex resident will admit that anything that falls between them should not come close to the top 100 beaches in Britain, not to mention the. world. Yes, the chalk cliffs of the Seven Sisters are a national wonder, but the pebbly beaches at Birling Gap and Cuckmere Haven are mere footnotes to the white-washed skyscrapers swooping above them.
What do first time tourists do to Brighton, I wonder? Tripadvisor reviews an average of four out of five people, which isn’t bad at all. Many recommend the pedestrian promenade, the Pride Festival and the sunset. Resident Teresa Machan tells me: “Brighton may not have the glamor of Copacabana but, for the vibe and people-watching, nowhere in England comes close.”
Others are less free. One Tripadvisor reviewer writes: “The whole place is messy, dingy and dirty. The street by the quay has a strong smell of urine. There is trash everywhere. I felt like I needed a shower after our visit.” Another says: “When God wants to punish you, he tells you to go to Brighton. A dark, rainy and windy place. Absolutely horrible.” The cost of parking is a common complaint, it seems.
If only our friends had gone to the Brighton side and visited Sandwood Bay in north-west Scotland, with its sweeping white sand and turquoise waters that draw comparisons to the Caribbean? Or Godrevy on the north coast of Cornwall, a surfing paradise with golden sands stretching for miles to Gwithian Beach and St Ives beyond?
GBA2024 does not have either feature. And you know what? If the people behind the 2024 Golden Beach Awards want to compile a list based on inclusiveness and cultural impact, that’s probably their agenda. There are talents to be expressed, and that’s all. And there are some really great beaches here – Waikiki in Hawaii, Ipanema in Brazil. Although, hang on a second. Scroll further down the list and you’ll find Umluj Beach in Saudi Arabia (#41), a country where homosexuality is punishable by death and women were only allowed to drive in 2018. Not very GOD, is it?
Further down you’ll find Wonsan Kalma in North Korea (#88), a “Benidorm-style vacation”, in a country where thousands of people are enslaved in prison camps, according to Amnesty International. They probably said from the start that they were going to go against the grain, but North Korea?
At that point we realize that the Golden Beach Awards 2024 don’t need another millimeter of column space. I agree that the best beach lists can be somewhat uninspiring, but the judging panel of the Golden Beach Awards might want to take a look anew on their “exact algorithm” (and a long, hard look at themselves) if they land on beaches where you can be. detained for holding hands, or strangled to death for taking part in a political protest. Call me one-dimensional, but I think I’ll stick with the Med, thanks.
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