by What is the purpose of Rishi Sunak’s government? It is clear that he is not going to rule. It’s been a long time since the Tories gave up on that. Nothing really works anymore and Sunak has little to offer other than the promise of a few general election gifts. But its outriders are clearly on a mission to fill the gap with entertainment. The blues were banished on that January Monday morning with the Conservative comedy hour. Revenge of the Idiocracy.
Step forward, Lucy Frazer. In a previous life, Frazer was apparently a successful barrister. One even thought she was sharp – or posh – enough to make her a KC. Although it doesn’t say what that says about all the other lawyers she beat to the promotion. There is no easy way to say this. But Lucy is not very bright. If the election doesn’t work out so well for her, you won’t see a lot of people rushing to their rooms asking her to take up their case.
As luck would have it, however, Frazer is now our culture secretary. Words you thought you would never say. The least you would expect is someone who could speak in complete sentences. A coherent thought would be nice too. Come back, Nadine Dorries. Even when she was more demented, even when she was completely pissed, Mad Nad was clearer than Frazer on Monday’s media round. Almost as if Lucy was auditioning for her own stand-up show. A rival to Rosie Holt.
For reasons best known to themselves, every Tory culture secretary seems to own the BBC. It could just be jealousy. The BBC has far more value and trust than the Tories. We Brits could easily do without another second-rate ministerial services, but we’d be pissed off to be asked to give up our guilty pleasures of The Traitors and Silent Witness.
Whatever. Frazer managed to get hold of another piece of frivolous research which claimed the BBC was not impartial and was determined to spin it into a comedy gig on the airwaves. Helpful tip: most standups learn their routines before taking them out on tour. They don’t just make it up as they go along. But Lucy knows better. All she did was shave off the main conclusions that the BBC were all bastards left before they left the house this morning and she decided to put the rest up.
It didn’t go well. Frazer clearly thought she would be on home turf in the Sky studios. A competitive broadcaster would like nothing more than to be involved in community baby boomers. The idea that a news source could have independent news values clearly did not occur to her. She clearly thought everything was like GB News. Kay Burley gave chase. “Do you think the BBC is biased?” she asked upfront.
“Er … I’m looking at this from, um … the culture secretary’s point of view,” Frazer said in her trademark high-pitched nasal clan. Much the same as Sunak.
Burley looked around for a gun. Anything to put herself out of the misery of spending another second with this half-human. “I know you are,” she said. “That’s why we invited you on the program.” Poor Lucy. A connection has not yet been made between his role as a Cabinet Minister and being invited on television. She thought it was just a coincidence.
Then we got down to the details. Or rather the lack of them. Frazer thought the BBC was biased because it apologized for a mistake about the Gaza hospital bombing. Her dishonesty was transparent. Because you could tell that what she was saying was that the BBC hated the Tories. Which some members and presenters probably do. Although the class boss and some other presenters are very Tory friendly. Which suggests that overall things are much fairer than GBeebies.
“Then where is your evidence?” asked Burley.
Frazer looked confused. It was even started. “Evi … Evi … Evi … close?” What was that? Yes, she is a lawyer all right. Er … the evidence was that some people felt the BBC was biased, she offered. Burley gently pointed out that there was no evidence of opinions and invited her to try again. Still nothing. Eventually Burley just gave up and threw her down. Oddly enough, Frazer repeated this interview across all the networks. Someone should tell her that there is a difference between an audience laughing at you and an audience laughing at you.
Still, Frazer was just the warm-up act on LBC. Then we got a full half hour of Comedy Central with a Tory candidate for Mayor of London. Susan Hall not to forget. Quite possibly the stupidest person in the entire capital. The Conservatives must have chosen her for the LOLs. There is no other explanation.
Firstly, Hall argued that Sadiq Khan had some money saved up to give Londoners a pre-election boost. Wait until she finds out what is in store for Sunak and Jeremy Hunt. Then she was completely confused about the repairs to Hammersmith Bridge. The reason for this was that it belonged to two councils. A listener had to call in to point out that this was a lie. Since 1985 it has been solely owned by Hammersmith and Fulham council. Although Halla might think that’s two.
But Sue was just getting started. She was definitely going to give the police a pay rise even though she didn’t know where the money was coming from. The presenter, Nick Ferrari, asked her if she knew what an officer’s basic salary was. “No idea,” she said proudly. But guess what? £30K. That equates to £60K. Honestly, no one had any idea what she was talking about. At least a. “It’s £36K,” said Ferrari.
His ignorance was bliss. And complete. She didn’t know what a bus fare was. A toss could not be given. She never took one. Only travel by trains. So nothing to do with her. And she had no regrets about her tweets about Trump stealing the 2020 election from him because “she always spent a lot of time on Twitter liking tweets that she didn’t really like”. Ferrari looked like it needed a self-help group by the end. We all did.
But hey, the LBC phone lines are all lit up. And agents trying to sign Dim Sue. This was a laugh radio minute. Much better than anything Radio 4 could offer. And no one laughed louder than Sadiq. Imagine Hall as the mayor of one of the biggest cities in the world. Even my dog could do better. And yet the fun was not over, as hours later Liz Truss announced that she would be coming back in February. The edge of Edinburgh is dead. Long live the Tory edge. Our cup runs over.
