by I have stayed in more than 100 different hotels this year, in 15 countries, and in a price range between £20 and £5,000 per night.
What did I learn? Expensive doesn’t always mean good, and cheap doesn’t always mean bad. Rather, the best hotels, regardless of their star rating, are the ones that do the simple things well.
You should leave a hotel feeling fresher than when you arrived. No squinting from unnecessary noise or scalding from a hot melting shower. Here are 10 of the most common mistakes and some suggestions on how to overcome them.
1. Enough with the unnecessary paperwork!
I booked the room online and provided all my personal and payment details. You obviously already have everything you need from me on your hotel’s administration system, because when I came in you quickly found me on the computer screen. Why, then, after coming in from a long flight or drive, am I asked to write it out again, with a fancy pen, on a piece of paper? This is an archaic and unnecessary formality. The best hotels simply check your ID and give you a room key. Job done.
2. It’s free Wi-Fi, not the nuclear codes
Some hotels treat their internet connections as encrypted memos between MI6 and GCHQ. I stayed in one hotel earlier this year that had a Wi-Fi code of 26 digits, made up of letters, numbers and special characters, in a chaotic mix of upper and lower case. The worst are hotels that still require multi-factor authentication, forcing guests to verify their existence via text message (requiring roaming changes) or clicking a box that opts out of a lifetime of marketing spam. It doesn’t have to be this way. All you need is an open internet connection, with just one click to join.
3. Spread your guests over multiple floors.
I recently stayed in a 300-room hotel, where only 10 rooms were occupied that night. However, it seemed to be at capacity, as all guests were placed on the same floor, in rooms next to each other. I get it, this is going to make the cleaners life easier, but would it really be an inconvenience to spread everyone out a bit?
4. Is this a hotel or a leisure centre?
Many of the world’s top establishments seem to be caught in an identity crisis. On the one hand they market themselves as exclusive hotels for city dwellers, but on the other hand they are chasing the local spend. In many cases, this degrades the hotel experience. A few weeks ago I visited a hotel gym that was so busy it was off limits. What about exclusive time slots for hotel guests, who are paying more per night than your local members pay each month?
5. Shhhhh. I want to sleep
You will never realize how quiet your own home is until you spend several days a year sleeping in hotels. In some cases, this is simply due to poor design. In one hotel this year, the toilet waste pipe in the room above ran right behind my headboard. In many others, however, the decibels could be significantly reduced by adding anti-slam door hinges. Don’t get me started on the vortex of the ventilation shafts. The first thing I do when I enter a hotel bedroom is hold my breath and listen. If there is so much as a buzz or a bleep, I ask to be moved elsewhere.
6. Clean under the bed, it’s gross
Some hotel rooms are so dirty, you wonder what the “cleaning” process was really about. Certainly a basic level of cleanliness should be a prerequisite. Do hotel managers regularly monitor the condition of their rooms? Some of the things I have found about beds would give you nightmares. Again, this is because very valuable cleaners have to turn around bedrooms within inappropriate time periods. By law, hotel rooms should be cleaned weekly, or at least monthly.
7. Change the batteries in the TV remote control
Of the 100 hotels I stayed in this year, about 50 had televisions that didn’t work properly. You encounter white noise and out-of-tune channels, but mostly it’s just a matter of replacing the batteries in the remote. If you’re going to make a TV the focal point of your bedroom, at least make sure it works. The same applies to hairdryers, kettles and coffee machines. A blown fuse shouldn’t interrupt your paying guest’s morning brew. On a slow day, how about doing a quick inventory of all the electronics in your room? If it doesn’t work, replace it.
8. Excuse me, but I cannot drink tea from a bandit
What are hotels and inappropriate dishes? In particular, the billions of tiny cups that are common in bedrooms across the land. No one, except perhaps the nobility, drinks tea or coffee in such quantities. We need mugs. Just like we do in our homes. Big, fat, regular sized mugs. Is that too much to ask? They’re also way too small to eat Super Noodles out of, apparently…
9. Sort out your lights
You are exhausted and want to go to bed, preferably in the dark. The only issue is that you can’t find the switch for the uplight which is pulsing maniacally like an emergency flare. And how about a little bedtime reading? Sorry, the light bulb has blown. Use your phone. Of the 50+ American hotels I stayed in earlier this year, there were hardly any “big lights” in the center of the ceiling. Instead, they go for about half a dozen smaller lamps, all of which need to be turned on and off individually. The way to my heart? “All Off” switch.
10. Is an average shower too much to ask?
I know you can’t go a day without someone hearing about the health benefits of cold water therapy, but can I at least decide for myself? The problem is that you don’t find out if your shower is faulty until you’re naked and ready to get in it. Of the hotel rooms I’ve stayed in this year, I’d say at least 70 percent had shoddy thermostats. Complaining to a receptionist is a complete waste of time. By that point you’ve already had your ice cold or splish-splash scalding, you’re fully clothed and checking out.
