by Socks with sandals, and chips with everything. It was so easy to see the British tourist in his unnatural habitat – ie. abroad. You could follow the scent trail of PG Tips and peed-in jets, listening to its unintelligible call echo majestically across the inhospitable waste (“Do you… speak English?”) until you found it, flesh it out hi-vis pink color coded help, and probably in the pub – a proud specimen Uncomfortable Homo Britannicus.
These days, we camouflage a little better – but that makes the hunt more fun. Here, then, are 20 gift ideas that will help you bag a Brit abroad for your I-Spy Book of International Toursers. Tally-ho!
Jump to the toilet as soon as you hit the arrival hall
It’s not the tea, it’s the terror shared by all Anglos – who don’t want to push their seats into the person next to them. However, the etiquette on this is clear: you are allowed to ask twice per flight if you only have one seat from the aisle, but once if you are in a window seat (and therefore facing the “double scared”. I’m sorry”).
Queuing
This was a matter of national pride. Now the reason is that our passports are the wrong color. Still, at least these days we have our phones to entertain us while we wait (cut to: 200 people Googling “Why exactly did we vote Leave again?”).
Carrying our own luggage
Well you wouldn’t want to put the poor bell out. He is not as busy as other guests, and your bags are so heavy, and the weather is so hot. No, we’ll just lug these up to the eighth floor itself, thanks; honestly, he doesn’t mind! (Plus, so at least we don’t have to worry about how much to tip…)
Under-tipping
So embarrassed by the whole tango thing, so horrified at trying to discreetly shove notes into a stranger’s hand while looking nondescript and worldly, the Brits often don’t take any action. Except, of course, when they are…
Over tipping
The only thing worse than the above is the same but with a head shake from an offensive tip-ee at the end. So, we will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid that horror show by reporting to tour guides and taxi drivers for an extra week or two.
Tipping-over
Meanwhile, otherwise hardened adventurers are known to stumble and fall, weakening, when told they are now expected to leave a “facility” (yuck) of up to 40 percent for good service in US restaurants.
Apologizing
It’s no longer just the old English tradition of saying “sorry” every time someone bumps into you, you want to pass someone, you don’t understand what someone said, you’ve fallen, or had the temerity to, say, have luggage that you have to check in. The British now have to drop the s-bomb for centuries of imperialism – so he feels sorry for slavery, the Raj, the flow, the Elgin Marbles and, indeed, most Museum material the British.
Wash our feet in the bidet
Well what else do they expect us to use it for? It was really a rhetorical question. No need to go into detail.
Wanting the food
Believe when it’s due: whether it’s walking, crawling, flying or just floating around curiously in a tank looking at us with one eye, we will eat a few mouthfuls of whatever is put before us.
Wanting the language
“The locals really appreciate it when you put in a little effort,” we say cheerfully… as the waiter visibly rolls his eyes and responds impatiently in perfect English.
Cleaning up for the maid
Nothing major, of course. It’s just a little tidy here, a quick sluice there, and maybe go briskly with the duster everywhere. We don’t want the hotel/village employees to think we’re slovens now, do we?
Walking
Around town, up the beach, along the dual carriageway… for the British, every holiday is a walking holiday. It is an adventure (and, otherwise, we would have to talk to cabbies, bus drivers, etc).
Talking to cabbies
The only thing we fear most is small talk? Awkward silence. A big deep breath and… “Be busy tonight?”
Making ‘the global warming joke’
You know the one: where, as soon as the sun goes down for four seconds, you roll your eyes theatrically at the person next to you and say “So much for global warming, eh?!” (Note: Works well on cabins.)
Strolling endlessly past fine restaurants…
…looking for one that has an acceptable amount of “local” in it, which proves its quality and authenticity. Then going back to the first one we saw because it looked clean and had a sea view.
No complaints
“How yes everything? Oh, yes, great, thank you so much for asking!”
Complaining bitterly
But immediately afterwards – via TripAdvisor, a strongly worded email to the manager or a passive-aggressive comment in the guest book.
Doing the ‘hunh!’ that little strange noise often, to show the tour guide that you are paying attention
Don’t forget to arch your eyebrows too.
Cursing foreign plugs and sockets
Britain may not lead the world in many things this millennium, but my goodness it’s easy to understand the UK’s trusty pin when you’ve spent 20 fruitless minutes looking for a free two-pension job from borrow to stay in the socket without flopping. out without stopping the moment you turn back.
It was a relief to get past the body scanners and passport control
Why do we always feel guilty and anxious when we approach them? It’s not like we have 200kg of cricket and a couple of shooters. Oh God, wait, what if we have an accident? (Sorry, here we go again…)
