by You’re reading Love Stuck, where trained therapists answer your dating, sex, and relationship dilemmas.
(This story was originally published in 2022.)
If there’s one topic marriage counselors are asked over and over again, it’s sex—or how to navigate the relationship when passion fades.
This week’s reader dilemma comes from Stuart, who says he’s been “married for years” but is thinking of looking elsewhere for sex.
“I love my wife but there’s no sex and she doesn’t care to have it,” he says. “Can I seek what I want outside of marriage? We love each other and always will – regardless of gender!!”
This week, we have not one but two therapists to help you.
What would you say to this reader?
“The word ‘sing’ sticks out to me. It seems like you’re looking for permission and approval from others when it’s not needed,” says Counseling Directory member Siobhan Butt. “I wonder if the question is ‘how can I talk to my wife about having a non-monogamous relationship?’ or ‘This is something I want to consider but I’m worried about other people considering how can I avoid this?’
“The second thing I wonder about you and your wife is what is happening in your life right now? Is your wife under a lot of pressure from work, do you have young children, is she grieving or going through menopause? There are many things that affect your sex drive.”
Butt says that if Stuart explores these reasons with his wife, he may be more open sexually – although this should not be pressured. “Great sex leads to great communication,” she says.
What must he consider before looking elsewhere for sex?
Most of us assume a relationship is monogamous unless told otherwise, so Stuart now has two choices: cheating or facing the possibility of polyamory with his wife. The former has great potential for injury and the latter can be very sensitive.
Therapeutic relationship counselor Judy O’Brien asks if Stuart plans to discuss it with his wife before seeking sex elsewhere.
“Maybe she will agree with you to accept another sexual relationship in case of losing you. But, deep down she may not feel comfortable about it, which could eventually lead to resentment and conflict in the marriage,” she warns.
“However, your wife may agree and not worry at all about the non-monogamous relationship, as she may be at ease knowing that your satisfied need. In fact, it might ease her guilt that she would feel for not being able to share a carnal relationship with you.
“Discussing it is one option, which carries some risk. Maybe you just know how your wife might react to the proposal.”
Any practical advice for discussing non-monogamy?
O’Brien recommends approaching the subject “when you’re both comfortable in a calm, non-confrontational way”. She says that Stuart and his wife might want to see a relationship or specialist sex therapist together, before he makes any big changes.
If sex outside of marriage is something you’re willing to consider, Butt says it’s vital to openly discuss boundaries.
“People assume that a non-monogamous relationship has no boundaries and you can do what you like but in fact the opposite is true,” she says. “Is oral sex okay, can you have sex with the same person more than once, is it okay to ‘date’ the other person and what about kissing? All of these are important to consider when thinking about what a non-monogamous relationship will look like for you and your wife.”
O’Brien claims that if Stuart were to start an affair outside of marriage, he needs to consider the possible emotional fallout for everyone involved – including this new person.
“What if you fall in love? What if she falls in love?” she asks. “There could be a strong emotional attachment that could affect or influence the way you feel about your wife. Emotional chaos may ensue. and drama that you don’t want to seriously disrupt your life.”
What are Stuart’s other options?
Instead of looking elsewhere for sex, both therapists say the first step should be to discuss sex within the relationship. Butt reiterates to Stuart – and to all readers – that an extinguished flame can be re-extinguished if you’re both on the same page.
“It sounds like sex is important to you, but it doesn’t seem like it’s important to the relationship because you say you and your wife love each other very much,” she says. “But what would it look like to bring sex and relationship together and how can you explore this with your wife? How openly do you and your wife talk about sex?
“We’ve heard you’re thinking of looking elsewhere for sex but do you know what your wife wants to do sexually and what makes her feel comfortable?
“Your sexual relationship can be viewed as you and your wife decide what it looks like, it doesn’t have to conform to any norm at all. Go wild and explore your fantasies together, as long as you’re willing and free to leave at any time, there’s really no limit to what you can do.”
Love Stuck is for those who have hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been in a relationship for years. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Ask a question here.
