by Less than three years after being front and center in Chelsea’s 2005 League Cup celebrations, Lenny Pidgeley found himself locked in an Elland Road toilet paralyzed by anxiety.
A few weeks earlier, Pidgeley – covered by his bed sheets and his curtains drawn – had considered calling it quits. But he had returned to training and Millwall, the club he joined from Chelsea, were short of a goalkeeper.
Pidgeley, then a 23-year-old goalkeeper, still cannot recall a single thing about the game, including the result (a 4-2 win for Leeds United), apart from the -he had a panic attack. Remembering the day is still an uncomfortable experience.
“It started in the summer, in the off season,” Pidgeley said, “I started having anxiety attacks and I would be in bed, the door locked under the covers and the curtains closed. Millwall sent me to the Priory and I didn’t play for months.
“I had just got back into training a bit and the goalkeeper who was on loan couldn’t play. I was feeling a bit better and the next thing I knew I was playing at Elland Road, the first game back.
“I was in the toilet 10 minutes before the start and I had a panic attack. I was dripping with sweat, vomiting, my heart was pumping out of my chest and I was trying to convince myself that my hamstring was going to go. I thought about it so much that I could feel my chest tighten.
“Then I was running out there, standing in front of 30,000 people. Three weeks before that I was thinking of killing myself and now they’re calling me w—–, and whatever, and I’m just thinking ‘oh my God, if you only knew what that was going on in my head.’
“I got through the game, but I couldn’t tell you what happened or what the result was. I probably blanked it out because I don’t want to remember anything about it. Even talking about it brings it back, look I’m getting hot now, rubbing my head, my mouth has gone a bit dry.”
‘I wanted to jump off the balcony’
Pidgeley, who left Chelsea in 2006, was afraid to go public with his battle with anxiety and depression, fearing it would be held against him.
“The panic attacks were uncontrollable to the point where I wanted to jump off the balcony,” Pidgeley said. “I was in a really bad way. I was embarrassed, I didn’t want anyone to know. I felt weak, vulnerable, like my career was over.
“During my first assessment at the Priory, the man was asking if I did drugs, if I smoked, if there was any death in the family and the answer to all of them was ‘no’. I wanted there to be one where it was so I knew what it was. Finally, he told me that you can have a chemical imbalance in your brain and it can happen.
“I loved every bone in my body what I was going through, it was terrible. I couldn’t handle it and I was thinking that I couldn’t live like that. All I wanted to do was sleep, but I felt worse every time I woke up. I thought if this continues, I can’t do it anymore.
“I started taking anti-depressants and it controlled it for a while, but it happened again when I was in Newport. Justin Edinburgh, who sadly passed away a few years ago, was the manager and he was incredible to me. It was really scary for him to come back, but it gave me all the time I needed.”
Pidgeley’s situation came to a head during his third major start, at Farnborough in 2018, when the club announced his retirement and mental health problems in a message posted on social media – and later deleted – without his consent .
“I was part-time by then and I wasn’t working because I wasn’t feeling well,” Pidgeley said. “On the morning of the game I had anxiety and panic attacks. I called the manager and said I couldn’t play, but he said ‘you have to’. They didn’t have a goalkeeper.
“I told him I was quitting football, I was depressed and it wasn’t good for my mental health. Right after the game, they put it out that I had retired because of depression. They ended up deleting it after I talked to them. I couldn’t believe it, it was embarrassing. I kept it quiet for 10 or 15 years.”
‘John Terry said: ‘Go and look in your locker”
Understandably, Pidgeley prefers to remember the good times of his career, in which he played for England at U16, U18, U19 and U20 level. He has as many Chelsea winners’ medals – the 2005 League Cup and the Premier League title – as he has made senior appearances for the club.
Sunday’s Carabao Cup final between Chelsea and Liverpool is a replay of the Millennium Stadium final where Pidgeley was on the bench 19 years ago.
“Carlo Cudicini was suspended, so I was on the bench,” Pidgeley said. “I remember running out for the warm-up and I was like ‘whoa, this is big’. I was a Chelsea fan, so it meant a lot to me. One of the lads told me what the win bonus was and then there was even more to it!
“I was on peanuts, reasonably, at the time. So, for me, the bonus, it was quite a few and was equivalent to two months’ pay.”
After leading almost the entire game, Chelsea won the final in extra time to claim Jose Mourinho’s first trophy as manager and Pidgeley was front and center in the celebrations.
“Winning, being a big fan and having friends and family at the game. It was amazing,” Pidgeley said. “They gave out the medals in order of squad numbers. I was number 40 and by the time the squad was all up there was no room left. John Terry was about to lift the trophy and then I was right at the front next to the captain.”
Mourinho and Terry also ensured that Pidgeley played in the title win that followed at the end of the same season and received a winners’ medal.
“Petr Cech played 95 per cent of the games that season and Carlo was his No.2, so I hadn’t played at all before the League final,” said Pidgeley. “Jose called me the week of that game and said he was going to put me on and I played the last eight minutes of the season finale against Charlton.
“I didn’t think I’d get a Premier League winners’ medal, but JT pulled it off. I remember him saying at training ‘go and look in your locker’ and there he was. I have my two coins framed. One day I will come and put them on the wall.”
‘Bosnians pinned me against the wall with my throat’
Chelsea fans were young, and Pidgeley joined the club as an 11-year-old and signed apprenticeship forms at 16, earning him the responsibility of cleaning the boots of the senior goalkeepers at the time: Cudicini, Ed de Goey and Mark. Bosnian.
In 2019, Pidgeley posted a message on social media reading: “Just saw Mark Bosnich on Sky Sports News and it brought back so many bad memories of being a boy. There are five players in my career that I look back on and think p—- and he’s a mile ahead of the start.”
Pidgeley remembers a particular incident involving Bosnich and his boots, who said: “At Harlington, the old training ground, there was one tap outside, so there would be a lot of us around him trying to get the boots. cleaning. We want to come in at 8am and the players want to put on their boots for training at 10am, so you’re all in a mad rush.
“One morning, I was in the youth team dressing room with all the young boys. Bosnich walked in and shouted at me that his boots were still wet. The next thing, I was by the throat, pinned up against the wall. I’d probably just turned 17 and weighed about 12 stone, and I was terrified. I may be wrong, but I don’t think anyone has had success with it.
“It’s come out in the wash how he was living his life back then and he was going through a hard time, so, yeah, I’d say hello if I saw him now. I’ve probably done things that I look back on and think ‘what an idiot.'”
Asked if he believed football had anything to do with his panic attacks, Pidgeley replied: “I don’t think it’s happened since I retired. I still can’t put my finger on it. Who knows? Maybe it would help if I played now and maybe I wouldn’t feel like I had to keep it a secret. I probably wouldn’t have been locked in that toilet at Elland Road.”
Pidgeley began to drink more frequently after he retired from playing, but, unlike when he was first struck by anxiety, he took the issue to the public through social media. He received support from another former quarterback, Chris Kirkland, who spoke out about his mental health and addiction struggles.
“I’m a binge drinker if anything and I’m a lot more open about things now, so I was feeling a bit down and I took to social media to open up,” Pidgeley said. “It’s important for me to recognize things and stay on top of what I’ve done.”
Pidgeley now runs his own landscaping business and this month celebrated his 40th birthday with his wife, Carla, their five-year-old daughter Everly and his two daughters, Lila and Paige, from a previous relationship.
“I’ve got my family, the business and I’m good right now, touch wood,” Pidgeley said. “I’m happier now, but I look back on football with fond memories. I’ve had some huge highs and some huge lows, both in my career and in my life.”
