by Do you have a sex or relationship question? Ask Rachel about using it the form below
Dear Rachel,
I am a 66 year old married man, my wife is 67 and we have not had sex for over 10 years now. In fact, even if I try to hug her, she pushes me away. When I was young I often dressed as a woman in secret; it’s something I’ve tried to stop many times but couldn’t. For the past two years, I’ve been going out on the odd night alone and fully dressed as a woman in public.
At first I kept myself to myself, but the last few times I’ve become friendly with a guy I met in a bar. He is fully aware of my situation and is willing to treat me as a woman, in fact the last time we met we spent the night together in his hotel and made love. My dilemma is I think I am falling in love with him and he has asked me to live with him but I don’t want to hurt my wife. My choice is to marry without love or be with someone I really like. Please help.
– Angus
Dear Angus
The greatest joy of doing this column is that you discover the deep truth of the old Yorkshire saying that it is not so trivial as the public now. respect telegraph readers turned out to be nothing but disgusted of Tunbridge Wells! If you tear it down, what you are asking for is permission to leave your wife. The main issue for me here is your cross-dressing or perhaps late-onset bisexuality. Your concern is about dumping your long-term partner for a man. Basically, it’s about your obligations to yourself – your self-care, as we say now – and your marital vows and duties to your wife. All you have to do is how to resolve the dilemma that can strike at any time in any committed relationship, which requires sacrifice and compromise from both parties.
Couples counselor Tessa Grazzini says: “Ultimately, your decision should reflect your own truth and what you believe will bring you the best peace and satisfaction in the long run. You deserve to be happy and be the best version of yourself. It is important to make choices that align with your own values and understanding of yourself. People you love will support you in this. Each step in this process may be challenging and may evoke a wide range of emotions, but you are living faithfully and happily with your life choices.”
Well yes. I agree with Tessa. But the reason you wrote it is because it’s hard to break up. It breaks something and it can break someone irrevocably. Marian O’Connor, also a councillor, says that your letter raises many questions. “Just changing what you wear doesn’t usually change your sexuality,” she says. “Have you been sexually attracted to men all your life, or were these feelings repressed before this meeting in a bar? Second, what do you mean by falling in love? You hardly know the man. Have you just gotten over the overwhelming feeling that you finally ‘know’? You were able to be open and honest about your cross-dressing, which you could never do with your wife.
“Thirdly, your marriage. Before you make any decision to leave, you need to be open and honest with your wife about your cross-dressing, about your frustration at being sexually rejected for so long. You’re on your back, full of secret resentment and rather than wanting to have a difficult conversation, it seems like you’d rather run into another man’s side. Bare abandonment is a big deal and will hurt a woman far more than an honest if painful conversation.”
My advice is that the first thing you do is to do it to yourself, not to some random guy you met in a bar, and it’s time to put yourself and your wife out of your misery. Let me know. And remember this, as some sage once told me, “the longer a bad marriage goes on, the harder it is to end”.
Dear Rachel,
I am a 41 year old single woman who lives alone. I am the only person in my friendship group. I find that my mutual friends are left out of many social events. After one recent event was discussed in front of me without an invitation or any apparent understanding of how hurtful that was to me, I challenged my friends and tried to explain that I feel forgotten, especially after the celebrate weddings and children. I asked my friends to be more careful in the future. Instead I have been accused of turning a single social event into something negative about myself and harboring negative thoughts about my friends and their families. Is it unreasonable that I feel more hurt by this lack of understanding?
– Single women
Dear single woman,
For separate reasons, I’m glad you “reached out” to me. Your question will appear much longer than a single. I admit, you have raised a painful area around your “friendship group” (another expression that goes back to my formative years), a problem related to relationships rather than sex, because I can be tired sometimes. sniggers from people about my “sex column” and even Private Eye that he called me an “expert” which my husband has a sense of humour. So thank you and I hope more readers post relationship questions after this one. In my opinion, our day-to-day relationships with our friends, families and work colleagues take up far more space and time than our sex lives and I want this column to reflect that.
Correct. I have cleared my throat, and this is what I think in response. First, I totally get it. Like you, the end of my pointy nose feels displeased if I find out I’m not invited to something I think I “should” be invited to. No matter how much you say to yourself, “everyone can’t be asked of everything”, you are a little insecure. You have the opposite of Liz Truss when the late Queen died on her watch, which is “Why not me? Why not now?” if you have overlooked some event. That is natural.
This feeling of being left out is one of our earliest experiences of rejection, which is why teachers beg parents to ask the whole class to come to birthday parties. The cruelty of a child being “left out” is not unbearable (I would be murdered if one of my own children were ever left out) but as we get older, we have to learn to deal with constant rejection in all aspects (even podcast called My Therapist ghosted me).
You seem to have a vicious cycle. Your friends know that you need to be included, and instead of making this seem like they want to see you, it does the opposite, because you come across as needy and whingey. My approach would be to step away for a bit, then see them one on one for coffee – and don’t raise it. Talk about them, and not you. See what happens. It’s always lovely to ask, but think about buying the presents, the dressing up, the travel – isn’t the invitation itself sometimes the best part?
Ask Rachel anything…
Recommended
Rachel Johnson: My husband became addicted to porn while I was pregnant
Read more
