by Euro 2024 is almost upon us and with that comes a sartorial smorgasbord for us to enjoy, or loathe.
What has Croatia done this time? Did England pull out really well? Why is Belgium wearing brown shorts? And which outfit won our superlative venue?
Puma, Macron and the good folks at Joma have yet to release a few shirts, but Nike and Adidas have already released most of their gear, so without further ado, let’s get stuck in.
From the visual awe to the optical stimulation, here’s our list of Euro 2024 kits, ranked and rated from worst to best:
The Netherlands away
This is not a pattern for a football shirt, or anything that people see with their eyes, come to think of it. It looks like a Travelodge carpet. We wonder if it’s so bad that it’s good, but sadly it’s not.
Croatia home
Oh dear, dear, dear. Croatia is not a hard town, people: many of the little red and white checks! This is two competitions in a row now that they have lost the brief and it is not melodramatic to say that the summer has been ruined.
France home
This kit is getting a lot of love on social media but we just have to come out and say it [takes deep breath] – it’s all wrong. France has turned back to royal blue from the deep, dark blue and is less threatening. This is supposed to be a nod to 1960s kits, but the actual retro shirts are always better than their modern mimics. The lack of symmetry in the collar is making us cringe, and don’t even get us started on the decent sized cock…
Spain home
Is this Spanish red? IS IT?! No. It is teetering towards a dutch orange. Take it out.
Turkey away
Inoffensive but a bit simplistic. Forward.
Hungary home
Bright. Too bright? We move on.
Hungary away
Pleasant. No more comments.
Turkey home
What we’re calling the ‘horizontal fit’ is quite pleasing, but this shirt is otherwise a little bare.
Spain away
The color is almost putrid and would look very bad on a sickly pale person [looks in mirror and winces], although you only know that Alvaro Morata will look handsome and mysterious and vulnerable person missing in this thing.
Belgium home
The black lines around the shoulder and armpit give this little shirt bought from prosoccerUK a five-a-side energy, but the subtle diamond background saves it from being a flop.
Denmark away
The collar is a nice touch that differentiates this from the home version, coming up later, but a few more flashes of red trim would have elevated this one.
Italy away
Despite the relatively simple design, there is a lot to consider here with the different colors in play. It all comes together, though, and we approve.
Scotland home
Great colors and the bold background pattern is engaging. It would make a nice curtain at Center Parcs. There’s also the tiniest hint of Euro ’96 here that reminds us of Colin Hendry’s flowing lock, and this is delightful.
Croatia away
Diagonal checks? Neat. Red laser lines? Amazing. We couldn’t stay mad at you for long, Croatia.
Dutch town
Pure fun from Nike here, and a big improvement on the garish shade of orange at the Qatar World Cup. The faint stripes are unusual but acceptable.
England home
The zany George Cross has angered all the right people, but the strength of this shirt is its red and blue sleeves – a lovely detail.
Sweden home
This isn’t the traditional Swedish yellow, which makes us uneasy, but the two-tone trim saves this kit from potential disaster. A funny twist on a classic. Very good.
Belgium away
There are three aspects that we need to address here. The first is that this kit is based on the Belgian comic book character Tintin, an idea that is a little crazy but very beautiful. The second is that the shorts are pretty brown because they are based on the Belgian comic book character Tintin. The third is to consider the shirt individually, which looks nice. We can’t help but think Kevin De Bruyne’s international legacy deserves more than a novelty suit, but overall we like him.
Italy home
You can’t quite see it here, but the shoulder trim consists of narrow red, white and green lines and they look smart, although, as with many kits this year, the shade is lighter than usual. Andrea Pirlo could look really cool in this shirt, but alas, it’s not around so it’s only “almost nice”. In fairness, Italy face an uphill battle every time as nothing will ever touch their ’94 shirt with the iconic sight of Roberto Baggio’s tail flowing over his collar. Fatal days.
Sweden away
Pink dashes are not traditional Swedish fare but they work nicely here. The Swedes will go out in the round of 16 looking rather dapper.
Scotland away
The purple is getting, as are the fruit patterns down the sides. Very good.
Germany home
This has hints of the classic German shirt from 1994, where Jurgen Klinsmann looked absolutely divine in those red, yellow and black shoulders. We could do without the fading pattern but still, England are certainly going to lose this thing in a brave semi-final.
Denmark home
Hummel are maestros and they make no mistake here, hitting all the right marks with this sparkling shirt. Christian Eriksen will be looking gloriously beating the first man from a corner while wearing this little number.
Portugal away
This kit takes inspiration from the unique azulejo tiles, Nike tells us, that can be found all over the country. It’s natty and we like it.
Germany away
We’ve been staring at this one for a while. It’s… quite something. The design is jazzy, the collar is funky and the colors are very bold. Toni Kroos will make this look amazing.
the town of Portugal
Portugal’s beautiful home colors do a lot of the hard work here so Nike have rightly chosen to keep things simple. The dashes of green on the collar and sleeves are a lovely touch. It has an almost regal quality. Also, elite badge.
England away
England’s away editions are reliably better than their home brethren, but if you’d told us England’s Euro 2024 away kit would be purple with colorful side panels we’d have raised a worried eyebrow and started space near the bottom of the this list. But good lord, what shirt is this. The color is almost intimidating. The golden details in the Nike swoosh and Three Lions crest are rich and dreamy. Simplicity is the art itself. If you could marry a football shirt…
France away
You know all those mean things we said about the French home shirt? Well none of them apply here. Pins on football kit are a risky business but this is an elegant finish, with sharp blue trim contrasting beautifully against the white background. The giant cock is somehow less gimmicky than the home shirt, perhaps because it fits the baseball aesthetic. Les Bleus meet in New York Yankees. Lou Gehrig meets Antoine Dupont. Shouldn’t work, but somehow it does. Chapeau.
