by We all know how it ends. The last shot you see is of the victorious captain raising the trophy from the now traditional dog’s point of view angle below the podium. That suggests the lasting memory from Euro 2024 will be his final act.
Of course the tours live on in the imagination for reasons other than their last games and the identity of the winners. What do you think of more if you hear the words South Africa 2010? The attritional final between Spain and the Netherlands or the vuvuzelas?
Fortunately, Germany 2024 has not been affected by any such noise pollution, how challenging are you finding the official competition anthem Fire, with MEDUZA, OneRepublic and Leony. If you’ve been tuning into every game on TV or radio and paying attention during pre-game shenanigans you’ve heard it at least 50 times. Even if it is, I bet you still can’t bend it. Almost admirable blandness from the MEDUZA lads, you have to take off your hat.
Many other moments have presented themselves and we will now welcome a series of awards:
Ctrl+Alt+Delete Award to the player who needs a hard reset the most
Bronze: Kylian Mbappé
One broken nose, one mask, one goal, 24 attempts on goal. “My competition? It was difficult,” said the French striker. “It was a failure.” I don’t mind, the patient and understanding crowd at Real Madrid will surely help him back to his best.
YesMoney: Romelu Lukaku
The value of golden boots was lost in Belgium’s game against Slovakia, which started a terrible tournament. He said before previous Euros that he was thinking about international retirement, he might have gone through with that, and the impact was
YesGold: Cristiano Ronaldo
He had to contend with a series of children and man-children invading the pitch looking for a selfie, as well as a punt to his name after missing a penalty. But that is no excuse for his appalling free-kicks and humiliating performances at the blunt end of the Portugal team he looks set to rule for the next 300 years.
Prince Harry’s award for worst fancy dress choice
Dutch fans
Those who were wearing dreadlock wigs (perhaps a bad idea in the modern climate, but go for it if necessary) and blackface (of course) in “homage” to Ruud Gullit.
Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson Award for the people’s champion
Andre Schnura
The king of the fans after rocking up with a saxophone and sunglasses mandatory accompaniment to play along with pop songs to be widely enjoyed. Until Germany was knocked out.
Saxman Andre Schnura became a viral sensation during our time #EURO2024 by playing dance songs to the enthusiastic crowds in the cities where the German team played. The film speaks for itself🔥🎷: pic.twitter.com/mUTAAOlpVQ
— German Embassy in London (@GermanEmbassy) June 25, 2024
The host city that differs from expectations
Dusseldorf
You hear North Rhine-Westphalia and you think of an industrial core, factories, warehouses, endless green buildings that were hastily erected 60 years ago. You visit Düsseldorf and you find an excellent art gallery, a prestigious old town and some pleasant neighborhoods that you can mistakenly picture yourself living in.
The host city is as bad as everyone says
Gelsenkirchen
Like the population of Walsall, and that’s not the only thing they have in common.
Dettol Award for good clean fun
Albania fans
… spaghetti snapping in front of the fake-fast Italians
Running Up That Hill Award for the most surprising increase in Spotify streams
Bronze: Peter Schilling – Major Tom
The Bowie-aping 80s new wave hit is Germany’s new unofficial anthem
Money: Baccara – Yes sir, I can Boogie
Scotland were disappointed on the field but they won the song, with the help of a disco classic they have made their own.
Gold: Bruce Springsteen – Dancing In The Dark
A re-goal for Phil Foden, who should have celebrated the match by dancing on stage with Courtney Cox.
Brown Sugar Award for the song it’s time to retire
Sweet Caroline
Now accepted by everyone from Austria to Hungary (assuming they are close together). England need to put it behind them and start the root and branch review of Neil Diamond.
Michael Fabraic Award for the least explainable hair choice
Robert Andrich
The German midfielder really liked his pink kit and put it on his head. Not everyone was amused, former Arsenal goalkeeper Jens Lehmann said: “Does he have personality problems in some way that he has to stand out like that?”
Morrissey Award for the comic that is no longer funny
Social media videos
…of Gareth Southgate’s deepfake which was plausible at first saying rude things. It’s all fun and games until an AI becomes sentient and gets revenge by playing the same prank on your mother. Or wipes out the species.
Mumsnet AIBU Award for most appropriate fan behaviour
England supporters
An award shared by those who walked out early in the Slovakia game, wanting Jude Bellingham’s overhead kick, and those who threw a beer at Southgate for having the temerity to lead his team to the top of their group.
Kirstie Allsopp Award for hottest property
OGs
An unsatisfying race for top scorer, with six players tied on three goals apiece going into the final. But give it up to the real winner: own goals. Ten in total, only nine were in the first 15 European Championship competitions. Register him/her!
