by Yashasvi Jaiswal hits his 12th six in the bleachers in Rajkot en route to a majestic and punishing double century. “Pah, it’s just a flesh wound!”
Jimmy Anderson, your 41-year-old seaman who doesn’t want to go to boundaries and boasts of terrible economy rates, is smashed for 78 runs in 13 bone-grinding overs in the afternoon sun. “It’s just screaming!”
India will send in Kuldeep Yadav as the night watchman at the end of the third day and the home team close with a 322-run lead with eight wickets in hand. “Pffff, they look really cool!”
Related: It is India’s third dominant test win as Jaiswal and Jadeja take on England in a row
Yadav comes out the next morning and drives an inexperienced spinner down the ground for a handsome six off the third day of the day, the first time he has cleared the ropes in his international career. “Look at them, they’re clearly panicking now!”
The left-arm spinner might have a Charlie Chaplin haircut but he has no qualms about larking around. In fact, he makes 27 runs from 91 balls and spends 93 minutes on the rise, half an hour longer than any of your side managed in your own second innings when a target of 557 runs is set in a day and half of a stick. “Wait, maybe this is starting to smart, a little.”
Mark Wood clubs a spitting ball from Ravindra Jadeja down the ground only to be caught at mid-on by Jaiswal to seal a 434-run defeat that sees you go down 2-1 in the series. “Okay, okay, okay, you got us. But we will be back, just you wait. Also, maybe give us a shout in the post-match presser to encourage the way you play? You couldn’t have done it without us, remember?”
Enough. Enough now. This defeat certainly calls time, comprehensively, on the rhetoric inspired by the Black Knight that sometimes breaks out of the Bazball camp. Please put down the placards and the reflexive pronouns after that one.
A friend sends a message when England lose Ben Stokes to reach 50 for six, the England captain the second of three wickets to fall as the team marooned for 50 runs and the inevitable defeat vaporized. “The good thing about this loss is that it ends the whole terrible pattern.”
He then sends a screen grab of Ben Duckett’s near-play pronunciation when asked about a realistic target that England could chase in the narrative quarters. “The better … they can have as many as they want and we’ll go get them.” The next day with England bowled out for 122 in less than 40 overs, Duckett’s glib and glassy-eyed remark was about as old as a lump of stilton left out on the roof of Rajkot.
First, this yes the most exciting England test side for a generation. Not since the heady days of 2005 have a side that inspired cricket and the wider community even more. It is almost two years since Stokes grabbed the lapels and ruffled the hair of a Test team that had only won once in 17 games and turned it into a winning machine. Some of this side’s work has echoed from parks to pubs, from petrol stations to parents’ evenings, cutting across the front pages and, most importantly, bringing smiles – even unbelievable bits – to people’s faces. who is watching.
Actions speak louder than words, of course, but when some of the words are as clunky as an anvil, self-deprecation tends to sink into the hood and stick to the crack. This side of England is so devilish that it would be a shame if they got behind their own mythology.
Related: Ben Stokes insists England will avoid ‘downward spiral’ after brutal defeat
Bazball is great down in the pub, it’s great with your mum and your friends, but was shame when you went back to Bazball’s apartment and there was a ouija board on the kitchen table and crystal skulls looking down from the top of the fridge.
In particular, Stokes himself has dialed back on highfalutin remarks about saving Test cricket and encouraging other teams. His recent rhetoric has been very much about what’s best for him, rather than targeting anyone else. The heady early days, however, have instilled in their charges a penchant for hyperbole at best and a kind of cuteness but also a kind of cult-like ludicrousness at worst.
Part of the problem has to do with a desire for consistency with the side’s public and private messages. It’s amazing that they think this stuff, and the words have no doubt inspired some of the great achievements of the past few years, but please lads, keep it under wraps for a bit, especially when possible express some opinions as you approach the situation. opposition, or to declare yourself the saviors of the game.
“Everyone has an opinion and an opinion; The opinions that matter to us are the people in the dressing room,” said Stokes after this match. Now is the time, then, to keep some of the worst and funniest aspects of Baseball behind closed doors as well.
