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Dear Rachel,
It was the last relationship that ended my marriage and, perhaps because of this, it began with a kind of elegant intensity that made it clear – immediately – that my partner was very sexual. This indeed happened and we had excellent, often kinky sex in which we were both confident in pushing the boundaries.
I now know that this kind of sexual relationship is the only one that would give satisfaction. And yet… when you’re going (online or in person) looking for a life partner, how on earth do you make it clear from the start (without looking like a total perv) that any partner would have to be willing to be damn adventurous. ?
– Mr DS, London
Dear Mr DS,
Phew, I might have to take a cold shower after even reading that. I note the Flashmanesque swashbuckling final boom of your missions. Of all the letters I’ve received since my inception, this is probably the “sexiest” in that you don’t have a problem, but a dilemma: how do you find a life partner who will satisfy your late desire for kink. , forever, amen. “For rich to poor, in sickness and in health” is certainly a novel idea, but we’ll get to that. I must admit as a woman of a certain age myself that I can see a yawn here, as TS Eliot summed it up: Between thought/And reality/Between intention/And action/The Shadow falls .
What I mean more prosaically is that your fantasy, or your thinking, will dissolve at some point on contact with reality, but let’s tackle your dreams lightly and start by addressing the short-term issues rather than the long-term issues you face first. How do you let a potential partner know that you’re running your freak flag up the flagpole and want to let it fly free, ideally forever? Well, there is a very simple answer to that.
If you’re into apps, Feeld is the one for you because there’s a bewildering array of tastes and proclivities and options and I’m sure you’d feel very “seen”. As the site advertises, “Feeld’s ever-evolving platform creates safer, more inclusive spaces online and IRL (that is, in the real world) where everyone can express gender, sexuality and desire outside of existing stereotypes express and explore oneself.” You don’t say how old you are but that is irrelevant.
You are moving with the times. Dating apps like Feeld only reflect changes in gender, sexuality and relationships. All you have to do is set your profile to warn (or nag) about future dates that you’re destined for, which I suspect is a topic for another time because, like everything else, this covers a multitude of sins, the occasional use of a blindfold and some delicate ties to a bedpost to gimp masks in sex dungeons and everything in between. (Or so I’m told. My bold best-selling novel would be titled ‘Fifty Shades of Greige’).
If you met someone on Feeld who is fully informed about what you need, that is very different from someone you met IRL who will be blissfully unaware of your “need”. If you’ve met someone more organic, she’s a friend of a friend, I suggest you break the news to her gently.
As far as she’s concerned she’s a single Pringle ready to mingle. She may be looking for husband material. On that basis I wouldn’t bring out the dog collar on your first date, not right after a bottle of sauvignon at All Bar One anyway, and you might as well have repaired back to one of your homes. I wouldn’t try to lead her on all fours into your red room of pain right away, that’s what I’m saying.
But you could at some point, if the occasion arose, ask if she did anything more experimental or adventurous than the bedroom activities of a plain vanilla missionary and gauge her reaction. Marian O’Connor, a psychosexual consultant, gives further tips: “You can start with something very gentle, like a full body massage with the woman under her eyes, and if she finds this pleasurable then you can to expand,” she says.
Her mantra is that all consensual sex is, or should be, based on negotiation. One partner wants one thing, one partner needs one thing, and there might be something between them in the end, she says. O’ Connor echoes my concern that you are unlikely to be frustrated with your fantasy of long-term bedwetting of Mrs Kinky Boots.
“Relationships are not just about sex. He’s very excited about this, but two people are in a relationship, and he has to be aware that sexual preferences may change over time,” O’Connor continues. “I’ve seen couples for whom kink was a big deal at the beginning when the relationship was very demanding and adventurous. Maybe they will come to see me when he is still into it, and she is more than him, because kink is not a sexually dominant script. He asks, ‘Would you like me to tie you up?’ but she would much rather he was putting the boxes out while she had a cup of tea or was knitting.” We all know that couple. Especially her.
Dear Rachel,
How do you convince your husband to consider Viagra…? Really missing the intimacy of some great sex!
– Over
Dear Angus,
I put your question to a former Prime Minister (and you might not understand which one, we have eight living former Prime Ministers, they should form some kind of union) and they said, “Go to Boots.” I don’t know how old your husband is, or if he has any health issues, or if you have maintained your sexual relationship over the years (all of these are important details – so more complete letters please) but what about trying to tell me. the old man, “I still love the pants off you. You are beautiful. I wish we had more sex. How would you feel about trying something to get our love life back on track?”
Most men would be very happy! It’s not like he doesn’t know about Viagra, or Cialis, or whatever, because TV commercials are full of post-coital silver foxes frolicking barefoot with their happy partners. As a couple, they appear to be presenting with a ‘loss of interest in the man,’ says relationship counsellor, Sophie Haggard, “but this needs a bit of combing through. Does she want to rekindle their sexual relationship as much as she thinks she does? What could he have for her? This is the ultimate contraction to speak for the unconscious benefits of having a partner behave in a certain way.
She asked if you had practiced “simmering” (no, neither have I!) which is, as the term suggests, keeping things simmering. My conclusion is that you’ll have to take your bull by the horns if he’s more into hose and slippers than snorkel and hang (most people are after 30).
We all live, and our marriages last, far too long. You have nothing to lose (although don’t think the little blue pill is a magic bullet, it’s daddy’s little helper – as long as it’s turned on). Just do what the former PM says and go to Boots for it.
