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Amber is one of the subjects of Disorder, a new feature documentary about three armed forces veterans who must learn to deal as civilians with PTSD outside of a war zone, after suffering trauma on many levels and defending our freedom .
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Directed by Bafta-winning filmmaker Kate Blewett, Disorder is a raw portrayal of their daily lives and the challenges they face as they try to ‘normalise’ their mental health.
I was in school when I went to Armed Forces Day and I was like, “Okay, I’m going to join the army!” From then on, I was dead set on joining the army. Growing up, I was sexually abused and that was a good excuse to run away from my hometown and go make something of myself and explore the world.
I was 16 when I joined the medical corps. When I started medical training I loved it. It was the right path for me. I was based in Aldershot for the first few years and from there we were deployed to Afghanistan and Kenya, among other places.
I used to watch Band of Brothers on TV when I was younger, so in my head I was like, “Oh, I know what’s going to happen.” You can watch as many war stories as you want, but nothing prepares you. We did basic training, medical training, and then really intense pre-deployment training. You can be physically and mentally prepared for extremes and make sure you’re strong enough to handle it, but I don’t think you can ever be properly prepared, which upsets the system .
I immediately felt at home in the military home, it was like my calling. There is nothing like the friendship you build up with your colleagues in the military. I have never been able to compare it, the friendships you build, and the trust and respect you have for each other. I haven’t experienced that since. It’s a great feeling to know you always have a brother or sister to call on.
I grew up very quickly in the army. When I was 18 when I was deployed to Afghanistan and 19 to Kenya I learned to grow up fast. I learned about the world and not just my small hometown. It opened my eyes to what is out there. There are some horrible people in the world, but there are also some very beautiful people.
My happiest memories of my military career were when I was stationed in Kenya. That place is magical. We were giving medical aid to civilians, vaccines for children, antimalarials and mosquito nets. I vividly remember one day the locals were doing these dances and they made us join in. It touched your soul, it was so beautiful. It was magical to see their culture and the way they don’t use electronics every day.
It was when I was posted to Brunei and Malaysia that I started to get homesick. It was then that I started getting counseling and therapy and they diagnosed me with PTSD. I was in the army for 11 years before I was medically discharged. They said I was mentally unfit for service.
It was one of the worst times in my life, when I lost everything I loved and wanted a career in, to find the civilian street, which I had no idea about because I was 16 when I left it. It was a very difficult time and it took me a few years to transition because I was very institutionalized with the army, that’s all I knew. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my career, I didn’t know where it was going to take me. I ended up homeless at one point, which a lot of veterans do because you don’t understand a civilian street.
I had no support for PTSD until last year when I joined Op COURAGE which was established in 2021. It’s a three month immediate intervention and they do counseling and teach you about benefits. It’s a support network and you meet a few times a week, so it’s really intense. That helped me a lot and I know it’s helping others. It changed my life to have them.
I am a different person than I was before I joined the army. That song, I’m a Lover Not A Fighter, that’s me now. I don’t need drama, I don’t want anything to worry me. That is true for many other veterans as well. We have done our war and our fight, we just want peace and happiness.
My involvement in the Disorder documentary came about through the charity I am an ambassador for: Help 4 Homeless Veterans. Someone contacted Steve, the CEO of the charity, and recommended me, which I am so grateful for.
Watch a trailer for Disorder
It was so therapeutic because there were some things I mentioned in the documentary that were weighing heavily on my shoulders. It was like letting go. So I felt much lighter after. I knew that I was sharing my story, even though I was nervous, to help others, that it would give someone else a voice, the strength to speak up. Sometimes you have to be brave and step forward so that someone else can do the same.
I’m in a great place now. I’ve had a great year and I’ve put together a lot of projects. I have just finished filming in Ireland for Operation Rock The Troops. I’m the first British veteran to be on the show and to write a song with the musicians and I’m off to Texas next week to record it in a studio.
I also worked on volume one of a book of veterans poems, With the support of Mark Busby from the Film Volt Group and we are now working on volume two with all proceeds going to Help 4 Homeless Veterans. So I’m giving back as much as I can. It is because of my work as an ambassador and the film Disorder, learning how to be in front of the camera and support from. [director] Kate Blewett. It really boosted my confidence.
Disorder, from Genesius Pictures, available to watch in the UK on digital platforms (Apple, iTunes, Amazon, Google Play and YouTube) on Tuesday 28 November 2023.
