by When I was younger, being “big” wasn’t aspirational. These were the days before social media, so finding a role model was limited to celebrity culture and magazine covers. It was quite difficult to find someone who looked like me in the wonderful world of fashion that I had always romanticized about being a part of.
In my mid-20s I was a size 16 and avoided gym classes because the towels were the size of a postage stamp. None of the mannequins in stores looked like me and I always had a shirt tied around my waist because I didn’t want to show cellulite through my leggings. I never wanted to draw attention to what I was wearing. I hid behind in photos. I wore tights in the summer and horrible cardigans with sleeveless tops or dresses.
In 2012, when I started my PR business, the sample size was UK 6 or 8. Clothing brands didn’t have a wide range of sizes, and shop assistants made me feel self-conscious. Eating at fashion events was frowned upon, being busy and tired of his desire. Losing weight after a breakup is celebrated and recommended to skip meals.
In other words, it was very clear to me that I didn’t fit in and my desire to be a bit inclusive became. I wanted to be small – in terms of what I asked for and the physical space I took up in the world. I thought I should have less opinions, get on with things quietly, without attracting attention.
Although I managed to start and grow a successful PR agency, I began to resent how many opportunities I felt I was missing out on. I also wonder if losing weight would make me anti-feminist; questioned whether I would be betraying the younger version of myself who wanted to do it without conforming to the “normality” of society.
It is difficult to find a specific time when everything changed because it took almost seven years for the journey to show itself. But something changed that allowed me to realize that it didn’t have to be so difficult.
I spent a year with a personal trainer (luxury, I know) before I tried hypnotherapy, which was very successful. Over the next five years, I lost over six stone, finally exploring, confronting and accepting my relationship with self-esteem, food, functional work and self-loathing. A truly toxic cocktail.
I got off social media for the better part of that first year. I didn’t want to invite scrutiny and found the lack of comparison helpful. In fact, it has led me to apply it to other areas of my life, including my relationships and my work.
I didn’t like the well-intentioned comments that prompted the story: “You look so much better!” – what did I think 18 years old? I grew up in an environment where women, in particular, were not kind to themselves. My appearance was often scrutinized and framed as the key to success.
But as I became a healthier, happier person, I also discovered how to be nicer to myself; the voices in my head started to quiet down. I didn’t follow people who offended me. Instead, I learned to understand that sometimes someone doesn’t want to date you – and it’s not because you’re not the right size for the world. I learned that the sum of our differences is what keeps life interesting and that the courage to change a situation if it no longer serves you is a real gift.
I started this journey thinking about my weight. Now, I think about my health, my skin, my desire to wear clothes that make me feel strong and safe and happy. I think about the experiences I can be a part of and the people I meet.
The confidence I’ve gained over the past seven years has enabled me to wear clothes I never thought I’d wear; I no longer see flaws.
An important part of my journey to living smarter – the philosophy I write about in my new book of the same name – is not to establish definitions that I own. I often found myself conforming to other people’s standards, which ultimately meant denying myself personal satisfaction.
For example, maybe your definition of fashion is to fit into a sample size. My definition of fashion may be wearing something that I feel is extremely important. If I judge myself against the definition you have set, I will forever fail. Another example relates to work-life balance. It could be a balance for me working in a job I love, fitting in sessions at the gym and nannying. It could be a part-time role with flexible hours and being at home with your children more. The options are different – neither is better than the other and cannot be compared.
That said, I spent over 12 years talking about myself – a trait common in people who feel burned out and are desperate to achieve. Research agrees that the way we talk to ourselves matters, so I decided to be my own best friend. I would throw myself in the mirror and watch Girls when I had a bad day at work. In short, I became my own hype woman. After all, if we are what we repeatedly tell ourselves, positivity and kindness are habits worth cultivating.
As I became more confident, I also started dressing myself. I could never wear denim – jeans cut into my stomach – and I wore a halterneck bikini top because it was more comfortable than a bra. I only wore what was safe and what I would cover.
Now, I wear the clothes of the woman I want to be – double denim, a tailored suit, trousers and a crisp T-shirt. Before losing weight, it was difficult for me to plan my wardrobe. It was out of the question if I could borrow something from a friend on holiday if my mood changed; I didn’t go on a proper vacation until I was 30.
Today, I love planning outfits. I feel motivated and excited, and I don’t look at trends and give up on failure. I love accessories and jewellery, and focus on getting the basics right. I closed the gap between the life I want and the life I have, and, basically, I understand what I want my influence to be.
I sometimes regret the time I’ve wasted – the parties I missed, the holidays I didn’t go on, the dates I didn’t trust myself to attend. I feel sad when I think about how horrible I would feel before a pool party, or when I would have to wear the dress that fits instead of the one I loved.
I don’t have long to sit with these thoughts, however. There’s peace in knowing you’re showing off for yourself—and wearing whatever you want in the process.
Smarter: 10 Lessons for a More Productive Life with Less out on November 7th
