by The first working relationship I had ever destroyed almost four people. We all broke up at different times. My boyfriend broke up first, because I was being chased by an excellent colleague who was married, but divorcing (he said), and I believed him. I thought this guy was more like me than anyone I’d ever met until I realized I didn’t want to be like him. When my boyfriend found out about the situation, he was heartbroken.
The next colleague’s wife broke; they weren’t separating and despite what he told me, he didn’t move out of their house. I was later, when I came to understand that and I had to walk away. This was the last but the most dangerous one broke in several ways. There were hundreds of missed calls, messages and uninvited visits to my common flat. The only relief any of us or maybe all of us felt was that he and I were no longer working together — I was already leaving when he started telling me he loved me , although I was now working remotely and we were in each other’s lives more than ever. He called every day when he got to his desk, the office where he used to watch her now but I was most affected by not being there, ironically, and our sneaky lunches, rushed drinks after work became ship, pining calls and promises.
Relationships in the workplace are often tempting — we spend most of our time at work so especially when we’re single, it’s easier to meet a like-minded person there — but maybe not they are so attractive. Last month oil giant BP announced it was tightening its rules after it was revealed its former chief executive Bernard Looney had committed “serious misconduct” over his own data breach. disclosed, and other corporations are likely to follow.
But the way BP is handling the backlog is basically to backdate their in-office body count of employees by three years. “Body Count”, the way Gen Z now describes the figure for the number of people they’ve slept with, is the most amazing thing you can ask someone – and now you’d have to tell your HR if you didn’t want to. face control. Shudder. In addition, when so many relationships are involved in the workplace, there is a risk of exposure and career ruination due to mistakes.
When my own business took off, so did the number of people wearing them…they were everywhere
When my own business in the workplace came to light, it was the number of people who were, or were still, doing so. I discovered that I had a new, gaydar-style skill in seeing inconsistencies. Infidel? And Christ, there were all kinds. A senior married strategist who was sleeping with someone who was sent to work from home before that was a thing. Three people are in the same category as me: two who failed and had bitter affairs (men, married) and another who left her husband for a man in the office. There were flings and kisses and cheating and serious attempts at a relationship. They were everywhere. And we know it’s not limited to one industry.
Toby Ingham, a psychotherapist based near Oxford, said working relationships are a natural consequence of people spending extended time together. “Often our work communities are our biggest groups of friends,” he explains. “But the office romance is not a risk and if there are differences between the level of management or responsibility other complications cannot be ruled out. We may like to think that they can be managed, but we cannot predict how they will play out. They can create favoritism, interfere with confidentiality issues, and complicate social dynamics in addition to being a distraction.”
BP said the update to its conflict of interest policy was scheduled for review this year. Do I wish there were better rules in place to protect me years ago? Of course. The problem is that it might have been if I had been allowed at the time – which is not too late – to understand how it was handled in that I was superior, probably should have been fired. It was very harmful for a long time.
Dr. Limor Gottlieb agrees that there are many psychological reasons why workplace romance is attractive and almost inevitable. “They provide a novelty that induces dopamine, the reward chemical, which makes us want to pursue someone. Then the excitement of sneaking around and the forbidden nature of the relationship can act as an aphrodisiac and enhance sex appeal. Familiarity and proximity, as well as similarity, play a role in the development of feelings of attraction, so the workplace is a breeding ground. Reaching out together can lead to a deep emotional connection.”
I was dating one guy at work, when I started enjoying another colleague… I left one for the other, I didn’t realize they sat back to back
I went on to have two more workplace relationships at my next job, an even tougher gig with even more shared stress. I started dating someone in another department and this time we were both single and my age. I also got a lift to work now. Our first problem came when I started asking for a colleague who was better in his role and ended up leaving one for the other, not realizing they sat back to back on their side of the office. Now the conflict of interest was almost between them and I felt sorry for him, that they had to work together more closely than I had to with either of them and the first man now had to watch me get a lift home with the second. These were my generation of rental years and I moved in with one person, and then the other. It was less fun that the first guy had to occasionally give me my job at my desk. Awkwardness raged.
“Managing a breakup in the workplace requires careful planning and professionalism,” says Dr. Gottlieb. ‘I would advise planning an exit strategy and agreeing together how to communicate the break-up to colleagues to prevent injuries as working relationships can generate significant stress and anxiety. The need to keep the relationship a secret (if the couple feels it is) can be mentally taxing, constantly worrying about being found out or how the relationship might affect the person’s career. To ease the pressure, prioritize open communication and set clear boundaries. Regular check-ins and honest conversations about the relationship’s impact on work can help alleviate misunderstandings and reduce stress.”
“We can’t predict where Cupid’s arrows will land but if you fall for a work colleague I think the simplest thing is to be open, if he’s discreet about it, and maybe leave,” says Toby Ingham . “Your careers and relationships will probably have a better chance of working and no one will be able to accuse you of doing something out of hand.”
Did I do any of that at the time? Would I do it now — if I ever had an office (or office) relationship again? Yes.
“Transparency about feelings and expectations is also key,” says Dr. Gottlieb. “Establishing a clear distinction between work and personal time, as well as maintaining a professional demeanor at work helps to effectively manage these dual roles.
“This includes avoiding public displays of affection and ensuring that personal issues do not interfere with work responsibilities and, of course, following company policy can significantly reduce stress.”
Tobyingham.com; drlimorgottlieb.com
